When Success Becomes a Search for Validation

The Career Lesson That Took Me Decades to Learn

For much of the first half of my career, I worked a lot of hours.

Early mornings.

Late nights.

Weekends.

The kind of schedule that many ambitious professionals wear as a badge of honor.

At the time, I told myself it was what successful people did.

And to be fair, it wasn't all bad. I learned a tremendous amount. I built a career I was proud of. I had opportunities that challenged me and helped me grow.

But looking back, I can say something that might surprise people:

I don't know that I actually accomplished more because of all those hours.

I was certainly busier.

I was certainly available.

I was certainly committed.

But productive? Effective? Fulfilled?

Those are different questions.

And questions I didn't know how to ask at the time.

The Boxes My Father Left Behind

When my father passed away in his 80s, we went through the things he had saved over his lifetime. There was a lot.

Report cards from high school.

College records.

Professional certifications.

Awards.

Documents from nearly every significant accomplishment he had achieved.

Decades of proof of work well done.

Decades of achievement in his field.

Decades of evidence that he had done something important.

As I sorted through those boxes, I realized they told a story.

Not just about what my father accomplished.

But about where he found his value.

His value wasn't in who he was.

It wasn't in the relationships he built.

It wasn't in the impact he had on others.

It was largely in what he did.

The accomplishments.

The title.

The recognition.

The proof.

And what struck me most was how familiar that felt.

Because at one point, I was following the same path.

Looking for Value in All the Wrong Places

For years, I believed success looked like external validation.

A good performance review.

A promotion.

A compliment.

Someone telling me I was doing a great job.

The irony?

Corporate leaders aren't exactly known for being effective at handing out praise and positive feedback.

So I spent years chasing something I couldn't consistently control.

And when I didn't receive it, I interpreted that absence as meaning something about my worth.

Not consciously.

But quietly.

The story sounded something like:

"If they valued me more, they would say something."

"If I were doing enough, someone would notice."

"If I achieved a little more, maybe then I'd feel successful."

That's a hard treadmill to step off.

Because there's no finish line.

The Job Was Never the Problem

What I eventually discovered was that the dissatisfaction I felt wasn't actually about the job. And it wasn't about the company. And it wasn't about the people.

I changed jobs more than once believing:

A new role would fix it.

A new team would fix it.

A new salary would fix it.

A new opportunity would fix it.

But eventually I had to confront a difficult truth:

The common denominator was me.

Not because I was doing anything wrong.

Because I was looking externally for something that had to be created internally.

I wasn't looking for a better job.

I was looking for validation.

And those are not the same thing.

The Greatest Irony of My Career

There is one irony that still makes me shake my head.

I spent much of my career in Human Resources.

I conducted compensation studies.

I reviewed salary surveys.

I advised leadership teams on how employees should be paid.

I advocated for fair compensation.

I helped organizations understand market value.

For everyone except myself.

Years later, I discovered just how under market my compensation had been for portions of my career.

And I realized something.

I had become very comfortable advocating for others.

I wasn't nearly as comfortable advocating for myself.

That's not a compensation issue.

That's a value issue.

What Changed

The answer wasn't leaving HR.

The answer wasn't abandoning my career.

The answer wasn't burning everything down and starting over.

The answer was changing how I showed up.

I didn't leave the job where I found out how under market I was.

I started paying attention to what I valued.

Not what others valued.

Not what looked impressive.

Not what generated praise.

What mattered to me.

I began making decisions through that lens.

Small decisions.

Small boundaries.

Small shifts.

Small moments of honesty.

And over time, something interesting happened.

The way I showed up at work changed.

But so did the way I showed up everywhere else.

Because the whole person comes to work every day.

You can't separate professional you from personal you forever.

Eventually they meet.

And when they do, you begin to realize that alignment isn't something you create at work.

It's something you create within yourself.

What Alignment Actually Looks Like

Alignment doesn't mean every day is easy.

It doesn't mean you'll never have stress.

It doesn't mean you'll always love every aspect of your job.

Alignment means the person who shows up at work feels increasingly similar to the person who shows up everywhere else.

You're no longer performing.

You're no longer trying to earn your worth.

You're no longer building your identity around what other people think.

You know what matters.

You know what you value.

And your decisions begin to reflect that.

That's where confidence comes from.

That's where sustainable success comes from.

That's where self-leadership begins.

A Few Questions to Reflect On

Where do you currently find your value?

How much of your confidence depends on someone else's approval?

What do you value most about yourself?

What would change if you believed those things were already enough?

Where might you be looking externally for something that can only be built internally?

Final Thought

For years, I thought success and my value was something that was derived from what I achieved.

Now I think success is something I align with.

Not because of the title.

Not because of the paycheck.

Not because someone else says "good job."

That your career is just a vehicle and a reflection of a point in time in your life.

Now the person I am on the inside increasingly matches the life I'm building on the outside.

And that is a kind of success no one else can give you.